Lost and Found

I have lots of data.

I was fumbling my way through the archives, looking for an old VST plugin, when I happened across a file named “Fort Wayne Chronicles.TXT”

I had nearly forgotten this tale until I read this. I shouldn’t have forgotten it. I should remember it every time I use my giant Craftsman floor jack or jack stands. I don’t remember how long ago this was. Best guess, it was somewhere around 2000 – 2002, since I was driving the ’86 Suburban. In fact, this was likely the event that caused the eventual failure of my wheel bearing, thus ending the reign of the Urban Assault Vehicle. It was the tale of a time that I drove out to Fort Wayne to visit Phil and go see Sunny Taylor play a show at Mad Anthony’s, and instead ended up spending the weekend changing a tire.

My weekend was NUTS! I went out to Ft. Wayne to see a band that I’ve been wanting to see for months now. They were playing Saturday night at a place not more than 6 or 7 blocks from my friend Phil’s apartment. I picked him up a little late, but we were only going to miss a few minutes of the act. We pulled into the parking lot, and I heard a lout banging noise. I didn’t think much of it, as I always hear loud banging noises in the truck. We pulled into a parking space, and when Phil opened his door, I heard a hissing noise. Bad… Very bad… My right rear tire had blown. I said fuck it, we’ll fix it after the band plays. We walk into the bar, and it’s quiet. There’s no band! They cancelled at the last minute. Fuck it, lets get a drink. I had a few beers, and then decided I’d better fix the flat before drinking any more. We went outside, only to discover that I didn’t have a lug-nut wrench. We found a dude in the bar that had one, so he let us borrow it. Then we couldn’t get the lug nuts loose. I was standing on the wrench – no, I was jumping on the wrench. Still, they wouldn’t budge. We finally got one loose, and proceeded to do the same thing on the other 4. It took us about an hour to get the lug nuts off. In the mean time, the guy that owned the wrench told us to keep it, and he left! Its a good thing, too, because by the time we were done jumping on it, it had become so twisted and bent out of shape, that it looked like a damned pretzel! After all the lug nuts were removed, we then tried to remove the tire from the axle. It didn’t work. It was seized up so tight, that no matter how hard we kicked at it, it wouldn’t budge. Not even a little! We walked back to his apartment, and got his car, drove to Meijer and bought a huge pry-bar and a new lug-nut wrench), and headed back out. Even with the prybar, we couldn’t get the tire off! I was bending the shit out of the axle, and the damned rim just wouldn’t pop off. We worked at it until about 1:30am, and finally decided to call it quits for the night. We went back out there Sunday morning, and unfortunately, it hadn’t spontaneously fallen off during the night. We then went to Sears, and bought a few items, including another prybar, 2 cans of WD-40 and a 3 ½ ton hydraulic floor jack. (By this time, I was disgusted with the factory screw jack.) I drenched that thing in oil, and pried until my arms hurt, and we still couldn’t get the damned wheel off! Finally, I got a brainstorm. I borrowed the scissor jack from Phil’s car, and wedged it in between the frame and the wheel rim. I had to crank that thing so hard that it bent the shit out of my rim. Finally, in one huge explosion, the rim went flying one direction, the jack flew another direction, and luckily, none of my fingers went flying anywhere! (The first thing I did was count them all!) Then we put on the spare, and drove away. But that is the first time in history, that it has taken me 19 hours and almost $200 to change a flat tire!

Saved by a Punch

Being resourceful often requires one to think “outside the box.” However, it has been my experience that sometimes being resourceful actually requires one to be acutely aware of the box. Not to just think outside the box but to think about the box itself.

72 Pontiac LeMansNever was this more evident than the time I decided to replace the rear differential gasket on my old ’72 Pontiac LeMans.

The rear differential was leaking gear oil. (The car was around 20 years old at that point, so it was to be expected.) I decided to remedy the situation by replacing the differential cover gasket. I ran out to Dyer Auto Parts (which doesn’t exist anymore) and asked for a 10 bolt differential cover gasket for a ’72 LeMans. I hadn’t yet lost my faith in the abilities of others, so I accepted what he gave me without really scrutinizing it. Continue reading

Pro Tip #11

Superfluous LintA Wet/Dry shop vac makes an excellent tool to use when removing the gratuitous amounts of lint from the inner workings of your clothes dryer.

The powerful motor makes quick work of removing the ridiculous amounts of tiny, dust-like particles that used to be part of your favorite boxer shorts, shirts, towels, brassiere, loin cloth, etc…

However, it is recommended that one checks to make sure there is a filter installed in said Wet/Dry shop vac before you begin.

You’ll have to trust me on this one.

Lint Explosion

Legend of the Mystical Magic Anti-virus Disk

floppySo I came across a very old document in my loads of old personal data. I started reading it and wondered, “Who the hell wrote this?”

By the time I got to the country music reference, I knew it had to have been me. Once upon a time, I used to have fun at work:

Legend of the mystical “Magic anti-virus disk”
(otherwise known as directions for use)

disclaimer: this is meant to be both humorous and informative… Mostly humorous, though, so if you are not in the mood to smile, skip to the end, otherwise, read on.

Continue reading

Dave, weren’t you supposed to…

Yes. Yes I was supposed to do a lot of things. Like keep my site more up to date than this for starters. Oh, and run a marathon a couple months ago. My goal of running a marathon had to get postponed until 2015 for medical reasons. My lack of site updates… well I have no good excuse. That’s just plain laziness.

However in an attempt to not appear to be a total looser, here are some things that  I have accomplished in the past 4 months (in no particular order)

Continue reading

Yellow Lines Down the Middle

Yellow Lines in the Middle

I tried explaining to her that the yellow lines in the parking lot should be on either side of your car when you’re done parking. My efforts were in vain. Finally I decided to heed the old adage, If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

For $20k, You Can Die in Game of Thrones


For a cool $20,000, Martin will name a character after you, let you choose that character’s station in life, and brutally murder that character in a manner befitting one of the most gruesome, blood-lustful series ever.

Yep, I had to share this article after reading that one line. Read the rest of the article here.

Walking is Good Excercise

… especially when you’re pushing a 1000 lb motorcycle.

It all started when I got caught by a train on the way into work:

2014-05-21 08.57.14

I decided to shut the bike off. When I tried to start it back up… “click click click” which lead me to this:

And then I had to figure out how to get the seat off:

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And then I tried to jump start it to no avail:

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And now I’m on my way to a dealership for a new battery!

The moral of the story is, don’t ignore signs that your battery is getting weak. Someday you may decide to shut your bike off at a rail road crossing, and you’ll end up pushing it the rest of the way to work.

Plans for Next Winter

This winter has been brutal! Since 2006, I haven’t gone more than 4 – 6 weeks without riding in the winter. It’s been so long, that I actually had to buy a battery charger for the bike this year! Never before has any motorcycle of mine sat long enough to need one until now. In fact, this winter was so bad, that the clock on my bike was still set to daylight savings time from last November!

Well, enough is enough and I’ve had enough!
Winter, you’re done. It’s my turn now.
Next winter, I’m buying heated grips and snow chains!

1st ride of 2014


2014-03-10 18.42.072014-03-10 18.43.00There was a rather anticlimactic end to an otherwise pleasant ride home. The gelatin that was my yard succumbed to the thousand pound behemoth and gave way to do its best impression of the Grand Canyon. Hmmm… ever see a Harley touring bike with knobby tires? Food for thought…

Time to Think

While I’m running on a treadmill, I like to let my mind wander.

So last night at the gym, I’m chasing the end of a road that goes on to infinity (or until you turn it off), and I look up and see that I’m right in between 2 television sets. One has the Olympics on it, and the other starts airing a show called “2 Broke Girls.” Of course I have Slash and Myles Kennedy on the headphones, so I’m not listening to either. That leaves me to draw my own conclusions as to what these shows are about based solely on what I can see. One was fairly obvious, but I had trouble figuring out the one with bobsleds.

The show about the poverty stricken chicks was 30 minutes long, and you can bet I spent that entire 30 minutes trying to think of a way to take in all that I was seeing and make it funny. This image is the result of my mind’s attempt to occupy itself.