Things and their proper uses:

• Rear View Mirror: as the name implies, it is for viewing things behind you.
• Peripheral Vision: to alert you to things moving outside of your field of vision just in case they may be of interest.
• White and Yellow Lines on the Road: to guide you on your way without endangering those traveling around you.
• Rumble Strips: to aid you in finding the edge of the road during inclement weather when conditions make it difficult to determine said information visually.

see where I’m going with this?

What these things are not supposed to be used for:

• Rumble Strips: these are not meant to be a signal to violently jerk the wheel to the left so that you can continue down the road without looking where you’re going.
• White and Yellow Lines on the Road: these are not polite suggestions, they are necessary to prevent travelling by automobile from becoming this:
• Peripheral Vision: is not useful for watching where you are going. In fact, it’s not useful for watching anything. You can’t watch things that are in your periphery. In this region, you have vague light and motion sensing capabilities at best.
• Rear View Mirror: is not meant to be used while in motion to put on your goddamned makeup!

Open letter to all dipshit women who put on their makeup while driving:

Just recently, I happened upon a car swerving wildly across a few lanes of traffic while on my way to work. As I got closer, I saw that the rear view mirror of the car was cranked around completely facing the driver, and the driver was staring directly into it while applying her makeup. I’m not even sure that she was aware that she was driving very slowly and yet effectively occupying all lanes of traffic making it near impossible to pass her. In fact, I’m reasonably certain that awareness is not one of her strong points.

So to all you dipshit women who do this: I really don’t care that you’re going to look like Heath Ledger’s Joker portrayal in your casket. In fact, had I been driving my old ’86 Suburban instead of my ’10 Suburban, I might have been inclined to expedite the inevitable conclusion of your negligence before you had the opportunity to cause harm to someone else. What I cannot abide is the danger to others that your actions result in.

Bottom Line: Put your damned makeup on before you leave, after you arrive, or not at all.