File this under “Things That Would Have Been Good to Know Earlier”


Apparently, I should have selected a alternate route.

To add insult to injury, I can’t get my damned accident report from the Schererville PD today because the records department is closed for the holidays.

I can see a news helicopter hovering overhead. If you watch closely, you might see my busted suburban on tv.

What a shitty end to the year. Fuck today. I’m ready for a drink.

Pro Tip #9

No matter how tempting it may be, do not drive underneath a moving Suburban. Not only will it cause undue stress and monetary obligations for the driver of the Suburban, but you may become seriously if not fatally injured yourself. You have been warned.

So… as much as this pro tip sounds like common sense, it was a bit of advice that a young girl could have used prior to attempting to drive under my truck last night. Another bit of common sense would be not to run red lights. Either one would have saved us both a lot of trouble and money.

I was travelling east on RT 30 and the dim-witted antagonist was driving west on RT 30, attempting to turn south onto RT 41. The red light shining down on her car must have gone unnoticed, because before I knew what the hell was going on, this car flew up under my left front tire! It takes an awful lot of force to launch the front end of a 6 thousand pound truck into the air. As for the other car, lets just say it’s hood looked like a 6 thousand pound truck drove over it.

Dec 2013 Suburban DamageThere were no injuries, fortunately. As my friend Steve once said, “stupid should hurt more.” but in this case it didn’t. No, the only casualties were 2 vehicles and the other driver’s underwear.

Come Monday morning, I need to have a sitdown with my insurance agent and figure out how to proceed from here, and to find out how much this dipshit’s negligence is going to raise my insurance rates.

Pro Tip #8

Things and their proper uses:

  • Rear View Mirror: as the name implies, it is for viewing things behind you.
  • Peripheral Vision: to alert you to things moving outside of your field of vision just in case they may be of interest.
  • White and Yellow Lines on the Road: to guide you on your way without endangering those traveling around you.
  • Rumble Strips: to aid you in finding the edge of the road during inclement weather when conditions make it difficult to determine said information visually.

see where I’m going with this?

What these things are not supposed to be used for:

  • Rumble Strips: these are not meant to be a signal to violently jerk the wheel to the left so that you can continue down the road without looking where you’re going.
  • White and Yellow Lines on the Road: these are not polite suggestions, they are necessary to prevent travelling by automobile from becoming this:Traffic in India
  • Peripheral Vision: is not useful for watching where you are going. In fact, it’s not useful for watching anything. You can’t watch things that are in your periphery. In this region, you have vague light and motion sensing capabilities at best.
  • Rear View Mirror: is not meant to be used while in motion to put on your goddamned makeup!

Open letter to all dipshit women who put on their makeup while driving:

Just recently, I happened upon a car swerving wildly across a few lanes of traffic while on my way to work. As I got closer, I saw that the rear view mirror of the car was cranked around completely facing the driver, and the driver was staring directly into it while applying her makeup. I’m not even sure that she was aware that she was driving very slowly and yet effectively occupying all lanes of traffic making it near impossible to pass her. In fact, I’m reasonably certain that awareness is not one of her strong points.

So to all you dipshit women who do this: I really don’t care that you’re going to look like Heath Ledger’s Joker portrayal in your casket. Seriously BitchIn fact, had I been driving my old ’86 Suburban instead of my ’10 Suburban, I might have been inclined to expedite the inevitable conclusion of your negligence before you had the opportunity to cause harm to someone else. What I cannot abide is the danger to others that your actions result in.

Bottom Line: Put your damned makeup on before you leave, after you arrive, or not at all.

It’s Not Yours to Close

Since when did a public memorial become the property of the government? Last I checked, the government was supposed to work for “The People.” Now if they want to stop providing grounds keeping and janitorial services for public parks, that’s all fine and dandy. But by no means should they have the authority to bar entrance to places that are “public.”

Closed due to Dumbasses

Of course the explanation is obvious. Each government program is faced with the realization that this shutdown is hardly going to make life difficult for anyone by itself. I can’t for the life of me figure out how ceasing all IRS audits is really going to make people regret letting the government shut down. So in a desperate attempt to make people notice them, much like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum, government agencies have gone out of their way to piss people off and blame it on the “shutdown.”

So here’s a question for you: How goddamned stupid do you have to be in order to keep trying to push your regulatory agenda upon the American Public after they’ve told you, “No, we’re not going to pay for it, even if it means shutting down everything you do!”

The simple answer is unfortunately, goddamned stupid enough to be Barack Obama.

A worse question is, “How goddamned stupid do you have to be to vote for Barack Obama?”

According to the FEC (which is shut down right now except for their website), the answer is: You must be less intelligent than 48.94% of people who voted in the 2012 Presidential Election.

I hope that the idiots comprising the 51.06% that voted for him are happy with their choice. So, if you’re reading this and wondering to yourself, “Hey, did he just call me an idiot?” the answer is an emphatic yes. Yes I did. Take some solace in the fact that you figured it out. You’re probably in the upper echelon of the idiots.

Idiot vs Math = Math Wins

It’s hard to argue with math. It’s even harder to argue with Joel. The following is a little tidbit of Joel’s recent thoughts on Joe Biden’s home defense advice. Do please click through and read the whole article. Especially when he gets to the part about comparing a 12ga shotgun with a .32 caliber machine pistol. I love it when math is put to good and practical use.

Joe Biden is misguided at best.

I’m sure many of you have heard VP Joe Biden’s “advice” recently regarding self defense at home.

Where do we begin?

I believe that we should start with one of the most irresponsible statements I’ve ever heard, “Just walk out on the balcony…. and fire two blasts outside the house.”

Really, Joe? Just fire blindly into the night? No worries about the payload of lead or where it will go? That violates the most fundamental rules of firearms safety. (Google “Celebratory Gunfire”) And why fire both barrels, Joe? Shouldn’t you keep one round in reserve just in case the enemy isn’t frightened by shots you’re not firing at him or her?

A single 12 gauge shotgun blast with 00 buck shot is more powerful than getting hit with 9 rounds of .32 ACP AT THE SAME TIME!

Joe, if you think full autos are bad and high capacity semi-autos are bad, why do you think it’s OK to put 9 rounds down range with a single pull of the trigger?

Your belief system is flawed.

Read the rest at Joel’s Blog.

Pro Tip #2

When HBO On Demand says that their recorded content expires on 07/31, and you’re watching it as it transitions from 07/31 to 08/01, they’re not kidding. It expires. It stops playing at the stroke of midnight. Oh, but they put it back up with an expiration of 01/01. So now you have to re-download the whole fucking hour long show to watch the last 3 minutes of it.

Serious case of fucktarditis. Who in the hell thought that one up? Probably some assmunch lawyer.